I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
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Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
The old gods are rising again.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.