Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

The problem with self checkout is that all the cashiers are idiots.

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

Unimpressed

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

I have good problem solving skills, but my problem creating skills are where I really shine.

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude