I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
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Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it