I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
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[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
can’t believe I got front row seats
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
You wish you had this many chins.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out