I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
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One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.