Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.