I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
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[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
dogs can find happiness so easily
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.