Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
You Might Also Like
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins