I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
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Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Word!
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
accurate
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’