I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
You Might Also Like
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
We need more people like this.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.