Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

Hoping to spice up my evening

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

channeling her this year

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher