Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

2022 be like

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

I just stopped by to water my horse.

Watermelon Boss!

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.