Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

Everything reminds me of my ex

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.