I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
*pronounces fake like saké*
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”