I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
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The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.