Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

ㅤ

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone