@pabstdriver

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

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@NoticablyBacon

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

@RuinMyWeek

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

@Shock_Monster

Why do Asian people never seem to age?

I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.

@Just_Lee_

My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee’d in their pants

@Marlebean

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

@CheeseDaydreams

Let’s be honest, if I were to time travel to medieval Europe, I’d drink all the mead, and then promptly forget what I was there to do