My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
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Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”
[at my house after 1st date]
me: so, do you wanna have some sex?
her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass
Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s making you fat and killing your dog.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
If you want to relate to how old people probably feel just imagine that a bowl of soup cost $40 and everybody else acted like that was fine.