@pabstdriver

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

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@PhuktUpScott

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

@iGreenMonk

Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”

@KKBowls

[at my house after 1st date]

me: so, do you wanna have some sex?

her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass

@Piecezilla

Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s making you fat and killing your dog.

@MarfSalvador

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

@shariv67

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

@kimtopher22

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

@BoredomDidIt

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

@MadlyAmanda

Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.

@LostCatDog

If you want to relate to how old people probably feel just imagine that a bowl of soup cost $40 and everybody else acted like that was fine.