I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
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Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
seems fine
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying