I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
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[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth