Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.