i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
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Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?