Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

They did not think through this water fountain

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today