Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

he was correct

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage