I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
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This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I feel attacked.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking