I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
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Anime is real
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Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
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There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed