Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID

Me: Connor

Kids: The boy next door?

Me: Yep

Kids: We meant out of us

Me: Still Connor

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.