I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Breakfast for Stoners:
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce