Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”