Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

Catering service

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.