Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.