I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
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I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.