I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
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*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Only a mother’s love …
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Do not steal food from the science building!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows