I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
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2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges