I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
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Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*