I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
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[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.