GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don’t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.
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[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Never trust an anti-aging lotion that has an expiry date.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
[optimus prime chasing his gf to the front door]
but i can change
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.