@titusbb

I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don’t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.

I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don’t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.

- @titusbb

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@sweetandweak

Daughter just told me, “Dad, I don’t make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches.”

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Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

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@ChaseMit

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

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At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

@Rollinintheseat

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

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@AmishPornStar1

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

@FrazzleMyGimp

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

@Bizarro_Mark

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

@MelvinofYork

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

@MooseAllain

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