In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
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Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I don’t know what to do
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
me as a parent
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣