Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put a ring on it

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

Worst perfume name ever.

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

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