I hate when someone gets on the treadmill right next to me at the gym because I’m worried they may ask me to share my Doritos.
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Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
pain
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”