Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

what’s in a name?

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform