I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
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cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Terribly Tuesday.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Coffee for people with no kids
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.