I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
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My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING