I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
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When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
🥴😂
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped