I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Mhm.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
