Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok