@osoplain: I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you're scrolling on your phone
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@shkeeber: Her: 911, what's your emerge- Me: SOMEONE'S WEARING CROCS! Her: Sir, that's not an em- Me: WITH A FANNY PACK! Her: I'll send an officer.
@panmidwest: DR.: you're going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready? ME: yes DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
@bobvulfov: COP: careful, this guy's insane DETECTIVE: ok [he walks into the interrogation room] ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos D: jesus christ