I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
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*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.