I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

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The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.


INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine


Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok


Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free


I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.


friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.


It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.


*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*


Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises


I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.