We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@osoplain: I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you're scrolling on your phone
@QwertyJones3: [First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
@Hormonella: If you can't be with the dog you love, pat the dog you're with.
@FartInASkillet: Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I've decided it's basically cyber-hoarding...
@jeannerbeaner: "Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.