Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

emergency phone

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

Just got to our Airbnb!

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

going to the ER y’all need anything