Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’