i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
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judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
your daddy is a what now?
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.