i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
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My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
A small tragedy.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud