I hate when that happens.
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I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.