I hate when that happens.
You Might Also Like
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it