I hate when that happens.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.