Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.