I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

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her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too


Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.


I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.


Apparently, using a french fry and an onion ring to simulate how I wanted the rest of the evening to go wasn’t the most romantic move ever.


I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.


If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer.


Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.



I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.


If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.