I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
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some Old Testament wisdom
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table