Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

My good tweets are in my other pants.

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.