Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

ㅤ

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!