Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

Xylophonist Shredding It

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start