I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Tremendous stuff
![]()
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything