Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best plant holders?

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.