I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
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Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you