Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

“you look easy to draw”

checking out some reviews of my local library

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.