Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

I’m being attacked 😭

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

My whole life was a lie.

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.