Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?