I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
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Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.