Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

This meal prepping shit is easy

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.