Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

Möther may I have a snäck

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

look scared

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.