I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
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Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.