Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

😂😂

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex